Gul Gaye Gulshan Gaye, Gul Ke Patte Rah Gaye Sare Shayair Mar Gaye, Tum Ullu Ke Pathe Rah Gaye.

Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the security guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...

Laloos family planning policy.. "DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR"

Once Banta's daughter had been taken to the delivery room in a hospital. Banta was nervously waiting for the news when he heard the crying of a newborn baby. After few minutes a nurse came out and congratulated him. Banta Singh instantly asked "Sister, Am I a grandfather or a grandmother?"

A neighbourhood kid was looking for ways to earn money. He knocked on the door of one house, and when man answered the boy asked, "Hey mister, got any odd jobs that I can do?" The man indeed had a job for the boy to do. He handed the boy a can of red paint   and a brush. "Paint my porch." The boy was eager to do a good job and the man went back inside. A couple of hours later, the boy knocked on the door again. "Okay mister, I'am done with the job. But I gotta tell ya, that's not a Porsche, it's a Mercedes."

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'am shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge." "Yes, I know," said the dentist. "Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But, you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."

A teacher asked her class what each of her students wanted to be when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the classroom. "A fireman," "A teacher," "A race car driver". The teacher noticed that Tommy was sitting there quite and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?" "Possible" Tommy replied. "Possible?" asked the teacher. "Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'am impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband-he thinks he is a refrigerator!" "I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass." "But you don't understand", the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she dropped in to see you."

Surjit Singh saw that his friend Baljit Singh very depressed. 
"What happened?" asked Surjit.
"Yaar, lost Rs 800 on a bet yesterday".
"How come?"
"Well yesterday the India vs Pakistan one day match was shown on TV. I bet Rs 500 that India would win, but I lost the bet."
"But that's Rs 500, where did the rest go?"
"Yaar I bet on the highlights too".

Santa Singh bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested he cut the tail of one and that worked  great until the other horse got its tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked  exactly like the tail of the other horse's tail and our tail was stuck again. The neighbour suggested Santa to nautch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his hear in barbed wire fence. Once again our friend could not tell them apart. The neighbour suggested he measure the hight of both the horses. When he did this he was very pleased to find out that the white horse was two inches taller  than the black one.  

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!' He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

One day one man was tapping away on his home computer, his ten year old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

John and David were both patients in the mental hospital. One day John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swiming pool. David seeing this also jumped in and saved David. When the diector of the hospital came to know of  this heroic act he immidiately ordered David's discharge from the hospital as he is OK. Before his leaving the hospital the director called on to David.
Director : We have both good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you regained your senses, since you have jumped into the pool and saved another person's life you are now quite normal. But the bad news is that the person you saved Mr John hung himself in the toilet and died.
David : He didn't hung himself there doctor. I hung him there to dry.

Iqbal Singh was travelling from Moscow to Turban Pur by Kothi Pacific. Seated beside him is Gary Kasporov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play a game of chess with him to kill time. "He!he " he said "you  think I don't know who you are? I wouldn't like to compete with the world champion." "How about if I play left handed" asked Gary. "[Think...think..]OK" replied Iqbal. Iqbal demolished in five moves got very upset for the rest of the journey. On landing he is received by his friend Sharab Singh. Iqbal narrated the whole thing to his friend that how Kasporov playing with his left hand defeated him. "He! he" laughs Sharab and says "what a fool he has made out of you. Don't you know that he is a left hander".

Three dead bodies turn up in a mortuary. All three had one thing in common - very big smiles on their faces. A Detective Inspector was sent by the police department to do the routine enquiry. He was shown the first body. The attendant said "This was an Englishman, 60, died of a heart attack while making love to his mistress." The DI nods understandingly and is taken to the second body. The attendent went on "This was an American, 25 yrs old, won 124 million dollars at Power Ball, spent it all on booze. Died of alcohol pisioning hence the contended smile". "Nothing unusual" thinks the DI and asks the attendent to show him the last body. "Ah this the most unusual one" said the attendent "A Sardar, 30, died stuck by lightening". "Why is he smiling then ?" enquired the DI. "Thought he was having his picture taken" replied the attendent.

An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she was pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Madam did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says that you were speeding!" The patrolman said, "May I see your liscence?" The woman turns to her husband and asked,"What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your liscence!" The woman gave him her liscence. The patrolman said "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest looking woman I've ever seen." The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled "He thinks he knows you".

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any crackers?" Bar tender says, "No". Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?" Bar tender says, "No". Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks,"Got any crackers?" Bar tender says "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time I'll nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks, "Got any nails?" Bar tender says, "No." Duck says, "Good. Got any crackers?"

Boby returns from the first day at his school and immidiately asks his father, "Papa, today we had our spelling class-all other kids could only say half of the alphabets, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am a sardar?" "No  son that's because you are intelligent", said the father. Happy with the answer, Boby posses anothe question to his father, "Papa today we had the Math class, all the students could count from 1 to 10, but I was able to count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am sardar?" The father again replay's "No son that's because you are intelligent". Satisfied with the answer the Boby again poses a question, "Papa, today we had medical examination, all the boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice as tall than they were. Is this because I am a sardar?". The reply comes "No son that is because you are 31 years old".

Once a man with a carrying  notebook computer  was wondering on a railway station. He was moving from one platform to another working on his machine. One of the railways official noticed him and enquired if he needs some help. The official asked "Sir what is your problem? Shall I get a comfortable place for you to work?" The other person replied "you see my boss has asked me to try this software on different platforms".

Three police squads The Scotland Yard, the NYPD, and the Punjab Sardar Brigade all contest for the best police force award. The judges lead them to the Gir forest in India and assign them the mission. The squad which catch an adult lion live and bring it back in the fastest time will be adjudged the best and will be embraced with  the prestigeous award. 
First the team from the Scotland Yard goes in and comes back with an adult lion alive in half an hour.
Next goes into the forest the team from NYPD and comes back with an adult lion alive in fifteen minutes.
Finally comes the turn of the team from the Punjab Sardar Brigade. Fifteen minutes, half an hour, one hour but no sign of the team of the brigade. At last after waiting for three hours the organisers decides to launch a search operation.  The search party goes into the forest and after searching for some time they manage to locate the Sardarjis yelling near a tree. After having a closer look the search party sees that these men have tied a giant bear to a tree and one of them is shouting, "Bol tu sher hai! Saale bol tu sher hai!"(admit that you are a lion).

A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he is in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple  and starts praying. "Oh Bhagwan please help me, I have lost my business, and if I don't get some money I will lose my house as well, please let me win a lottery". Lottery night comes and someone else wins it. The Sardarji goes back to the temple. "Bhagwan let me win the lotto, I have already lost my business and house and I am going to lose my car". Lotto night comes and Sardarji still has no luck. "My Bhagwan, why have you have foresaken me? I lost my business, my house, my car and my family is starving. I don't ask you for help often  and I have always been a good servant to you. Why don't you  just let me win the lotto one time so  I get my life back in order?" Suddenly there flashes a blinding light and the sky parts opens and the Sardarji is confronted by the lords voice : "SARDARJI, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST". 

Three friends working in an office located on the 20th floor of a tall building in Mumbai. One   is a Mallu, the second is a Bengali and third one is a Sardarji. Everyday all three meet in the lunch hall and  have their lunch togather.
One day the Mallu opened his lunch box and found idlis in the box. He says "I am fed up eating these daily. If I find idlis in the box tommorow, I will jump from the 20th floor and die".
Next the Bengali opens his lunch box and finds Fish in it and says, "If I find Fish in my lunch box tommorow, I will jump from the 20th floor and die". 
Next the Sardarji opens his lunch box and finds Parathas in it."Mother promise", he says, "if I find Parathas in my box tommorow I am going to jump from the   20th floor".
Next day all three meet in the hall at lunch. The Mallu opens his lunch box, finds idli and jumps from the 20th floor and dies. Next the Bengali opens his lunch box finds fish in it. He jumps from the 20th floor and dies. Finally the Sardarji opens his lunch box, finds parathas in it. He also jumps from the 20th floor.
In a combined funeral held by their friends the Mallu's widow says "I did not know that he hated idlis so much. If not I had put something else for his lunch". The Bengali's widow says "I did not know that he hated Fish so much. If not I had put something else for his lunch". The Sardarji's widow says "I do not understand what went wrong. My husband always prepared his own lunch".

Once a woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, 'That's the ugliest baby I have ever seen'.  In a huff the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked what was wrong. 'The bus driver insulted me' she fumed. The man sympathised and said : 'Why,  he is a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passenges'. 'You are right'. She said. 'I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece  of my mind'. 'That's a good idea', the man said. 'Here let me hold your monkey'.

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few few drinks, and as he's   standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he he's looking at it she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there ." He goes "Jeez...ooh...I". She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray".  

Three students, one studying physics, one studying chemistry and third one studying Mathematics went to a pond. The Physics student said that he wanted to calculatethe density of water and jumped into the pond. Then the mathematician said that he he wanted to calculate the depth of the pond and followed the physics student. The chemist waited for about two hours, finding no trace of either of the two he concluded that both were soluble in water.  

In a geography class the teacher asks Peter if he can point out North America. Peter turns the globe for a few seconds, then answers correctly. "Very good Peter," the teacher praised. Then turning to another boy, she asked, "Johnny, who discovered North America?" To that Johnny answers "Peter". 

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Indian Railways.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can
take this train to Jhumari Talayya.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard Iqbal stops him and says,"What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered the sardji.
Iqbal says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the
bike." Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them
apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them
but sand. He detains the sardarji overnight and has
the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is
nothing but pure sand in the
bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into
new bags,hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and
lets him cross the border. A week later, the same
thing happens. Iqbal asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says the Sardaji.
Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that
the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand
back to the sardaji, and crosses the border on his
bike.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for
three years. Finally, the sardaji, doesn't show up one
day and the guard meets him in a 'dhaba' in Islamabad.
Hey, Buddy," says Iqbal, "I know you are smuggling
something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think
about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what
are you smuggling?"
The sardaji, sips his Lassi and says,
"Bikes."

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decided to call 911: Blonde : We need help. We're three  blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator : Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde : Yes.
Operator : The power in the house on?
Blonde : Of course.
Operator : Then what's the problem?
Blonde : We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.   

On Women...
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don't you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don't, you are good for nothing.
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring.
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.
If you don't, you are a dull boy.
If you are jealous, she says it's bad.
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her.
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her.
If you don't, she thinks you didn't like her.
If you are a minute late, she complains its hard to wait.
If she is late,  she says that's a girl's way.
If you visit another man, you are not putting in "quality time".
If she is visited by another man, "oh it's natural, we are girls."
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold.
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage.
If fail to help her crossing street, you lack ethics.
If you do,  she thinks its just one of  men's tactics for seduction.
If you stare at another woman, she says that you are flirting.
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring.
If you talk, she wants you to listen.
If you listen, she wants you to talk. 

Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. Because he was dead.

Q. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A. Because he was stapled to the first monkey.

Q. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A. Peer pressure. 

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $ 500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer replied, "first did your research also shows that my mother is dying and after along illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the director mumbled, "Um...no."

"or my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. "Or my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children!"

The humiliated director said simply, "I had no idea."

"So if  I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" 

Once a man was filling out a application form for a job. He found a question in the form, "Have you even been arrested?". He answered, "No".
There was next question, for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous one: "Why?"
His next answered was, "Never got caught"

Child one: My father is a magician, he sleeps with me & at morning I see him coming out of Mom's room.
Child Two: My Dad is also a great magician, he sleeps with my Mom & in morning I see him coming out of aunties room.

Two men are sharing there views on Happy Married life
One: How you are happily married for 10 years.
2nd: Well, she take some small decisions & I think of large plans & decision.
1st: Great !!!! So how do you divide your work.
2nd: well!!! she cares about activites like cooking , cleaning, shopping & taking care of me & my son.
1st: so what else is left ,,, what you do ...
2nd: I usually think internationally , like:
Who is going to be America's next president ,,,,
How indian cricket team is going to perform ,,,,, &&&& so on

Father: "Can you give an example of Coincidence?"
Son: "Yes Dad, you and Mom got married on the same day, same place and at the same time"

Adolph Hitler was having dreadful nightmares therefore he decided to go to a fortune teller to find the source of his problem. "I am very sorry but I am unable to solve your problems," said the fortune teller, "but I know that you will die on a Jewish holiday." Hitler asked "Which holiday will this be?". "It doesn't matter, any day you die will be a Jewish Holiday!" fortune teller replied.

One day Tom's wife left him he got so miserable and his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Tom told the psychiatrist his dilemma and said, "Life is not worth living." "Don't be stupid, Tom," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally immerse yourself in your work. Now, What you do for a living?" Tom replied "I clean out septic tanks."

Once Banta's daughter had been taken to the delivery room in a hospital. Banta was nervously waiting for the news when he heard the crying of a newborn baby. After few minutes a nurse came out and congratulated him. Banta Singh instantly asked "Sister, Am I a grandfather or a grandmother?" 

Once in a flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. It was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. At last, she rang for the flight attendant and said "I am sorry to bother you, but I think you should inform to the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time." 

Once there was an interview for a job as a flagman/signal operator on the rail track. The chief engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Chennai Express was heading north on the track and the another train was heading south on the same track?" Candidate rapidly replied, "I'd call my brother." The chief engineer shocked for a moment "Why would you call your brother?" "Because, he's never seen a train collision before."

Once a man approached a young lady in a market and asked, "I have lost my wife in this market. Would you talk to me for a few minutes?"
"Why?" she reply.
"Because every time when I talk to a young lady, my wife appears out of nowhere."

The bridegroom stood in front of the mirror appreciating his body. "If I one inch more then I would be a king." Instantly the bride replied, "Yes, and one inch less then you would be a queen."

Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Patna and America and he called up the tourist department on phone and asked, "Hello, would you tell me the exact time difference between Patna and America". A women at the other end replied, "Of course, one second sir.." And.... Laloo instantly replied `thank you` and put the phone down.

Pakistan had just got their new Chinese fighter planes and sent a squadron of pilots there for training. The Chinese trainer said, "Ok, this is very simple to fly", "Even you fools should be able to operate it. You push this button to go up, this is for to go left and this is for turning right." Instantly one captain asked, "How do we come down?" The Chinese replied "Oh, leave that to the Indian Air Force!"

Tom: Why did God create women after men?
Teacher: Very simple, we always make a rough draft before an original one.

Once in a village in Haryana, there lived two identical brothers. They looked very much alike in every respect and the villagers often had trouble distinguishing between them. 
Unfortunately, one of them died. Banta Singh decided to visit the grief-stricken family and console them. Now, there was a problem. Banta was not sure which of the brothers had died. 
Banta Singh solved the problem ingeniously. He walked up to the surviving sibling and asked amidst tears - 
"Is it you who is dead or is it your Brother ?"

When Gavaskar finds out that there has been released, a movie, in Australia called "Gavaskar", he is very happy. He plans to watch it and gets a ticket for Australia at once. With great difficulty he manages to get a ticket and very happily he goes to see the movie. But when he comes out of the cinema he is very angry! 
He goes straight to the director of the movie and says, "What do you mean by this? You named your movie `Gavaskar`, but didn't show anything about me in it!". 
The director of the movie laughs and says, "So now you understand the problem? You people too made a movie called `Border`, but did you show anything about Allan Border in it?"

Once a Banta Singh suffering from gastric problems had to hurry to catch a plane. The only problem was that he had forgotten to fart. He entered the plane and was about to fart when he noticed a foreigner sitting next to him.

He thought, "If I fart now what will the foreigner think of sardars?" and he resisted the urge to fart. But when the plane started to take off, there was a lot of noise. Banta Singh thought this to be the best time to fart and went ahead. Later, the foreigner sitting next to him exclaimed, "Not a bad idea Banta Singh Ji but what about the smell?"

There is this good ol' barber in some city in US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies, "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service."

The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" card and a dozen roses waiting at his doorstep. A cop goes for a haircut next and when he goes to pay the barber, the latter replies, "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" card and a dozen donuts waiting at his doorstep. An Indian software engineer goes for a haircut after that and while paying, the barber tells him, "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service."

The next morning, when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there!

A dozen Indians waiting for a free haircut !

Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how he had fared. He replied, "Exam was okay, except for the past tense of 'think'. I thought, thought, thought and at last, I wrote 'thunk'!"

An American born desi returned to India and hired a tourist cab for sight seeing. When taken to the Taj Mahal in Agra, he asked how many years it took to build it.

The guide replied, "20 years."

The American desi remarked, "You guys are lazy. In America we can build some thing like this in 5 years."

At the Red Fort in Delhi, he asked the same question. The guide reduced the period to impress him and said, "Ten years, only ten years."

The American desi retorted, "Didn't I say you guys are slow workers! In America we could have built it in 2 1/2 years."

It was the same story everywhere. He admired the places but reduced the period of completion to 1/4th. The guide was irritated by this young American desi.

Next day when they were near the Qutab Minar, the American desi asked, "What is that tower?" The guide replied, "I'll have to go and find out. When I was passing by last evening there was nothing here."

A sixteen years old beauty was telling her friend "Yaar, these day I am worried about my mother.  She staying up all night long".  Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all night?  At her age this is not good at all".  The girl replied, "Waiting for me to come home."